PINE NUTS – Summer of Blaze

I had my first and worst experience on a horse during a summer I remember only as, “The Summer of Blaze!” I was coaching swimming at the time, and there were two swimmers who were exceptionally talented, Patty & Maggie, but on this particular day they were dogging it. So I shouted to them, “Pick it up, ladies, this is not your Hilton Spa!” They stopped swimming and shouted back, “We’ll pick it up, coach, if you will ride Blaze!” To wit, I shouted back, without thinking, “Fair enough!”

Well, they did pick it up, and I was pleased, until later that afternoon, when I heard clopedy-clop-clop in the parking lot, and suddenly there was Blaze, a magnificent bareback wild stallion that Patty & Maggie had trained to run through an obstacle course at lightning speed.

Being a man of my word, albeit wearing only a swimsuit without spurs or even shoes, I climbed bravely up onto a gate, and from there boarded Blaze, who flared his nostrils in recognizing that he had a genuine turnip on his back that he was going to dispose of in a Churchill Downs minute.

Well, Patty & Maggie slapped Blaze on the rear, and we shot across that parking lot and into a pear orchard like an arrow from a crossbow. Of course I grabbed Blaze by the ears and held on for dear life as we fast approached a haybale that he had been trained to jump. So up and over we went with me hugging Blaze around the neck while he zeroed in on a low-hanging pear tree. I could see that I was about to be rudely scrapped-off by a very fast approaching pear tree, so I chose valor over defeat, and as that pear tree came into reach, I grabbed a branch with both hands, spread my legs, and let Blaze continue along his destruction derby without me. 

As I hung there counting my sins, the sound of my beating heart was broken by laughter and shouts of approval from my antagonists, the talented but devious aquanauts, Patty & Maggie, who went on to win medals in their respective events during that memorable Summer of Blaze…

I would suffer yet one more incident with a horse. I was walking down at the docks on the Island of Maui to watch the circus arrive, and a pretty lady was leading the horses off the boat onto the Island when one of her horses swung around and hit me in the chest with his rear-end, knocking me to the ground. The pretty lady shouted, “Don’t you know a horse when you see one?!” Somewhat stunned, I shouted back, “No, but I know a woman when I see one!” Without a moment’s hesitation, she shouted back, “That’s funny, you don’t look like you would!”

That hurt me, worse than the horse, but it was such a good riposte that I had to laugh, and take it like a man…   

Audio: https://open.spotify.com/show/7Fhv4PrH1UuwlhbnTT23zO