PINE NUTS – Discovering Our Fountain of Youth
March 21, 2026 | McAvoy Lane
As a warmup to celebrating our 250th birthday, I find myself reflecting upon memories regarding the discovery of the Fountain of Youth as I recall them from fourth-grade…
The first European to see America, so far as we know, was a Norseman named Barney, sometime around A.D. 986. Barney was wading ashore, holding his shoes, when he encountered some Native Americans who were not in a good humor on that particular afternoon, and they gave Barney the bum’s rush. So he absquatulated in his dinghy, and rowed for home.
It would be 500 years before another European would venture a look, and that European would be Chris Columbus, who, though gifted as a lobbyist at home, was ham-fisted at sea. When the winds dropped off and the rum ran out with no land in sight, his crew decided to keelhaul Captain Chris, but Chris managed to hornswoggle them into staying the course, and they actually did catch a brief glimpse of America before landing in the New World, Cuba.
Then along came Ponce de Leon, who upon capturing Puerto Rico without firing a shot, heard word of a large Island north of Cuba that contained a Fountain of Youth, today’s Florida. Well, that was just the place Ponce was looking for, as he was contemplating retirement and had no pension.
Ponce was advised by a Puerto Rican travel agent that most old folks his age retired to Tampa, and their parents retired in St. Pete. So Ponce went to Florida to find the Fountain of Youth, or make a reservation at a retirement home, whichever came first.
Thus, Ponce de Leon became the first European to actually set foot in America. There is a Ponce de Leon Hotel in St. Pete today to commemorate that occasion. And those lucky few who actually did discover the fountain of youth, well, yes, they are alive and well in Key Largo today I imagine. (Our fourth-grade bus driver gave us all this wonderful history while we were stuck in traffic.)
We no longer celebrate Columbus Day in America, but rightly celebrate our indigenous population of Native Americans on the second Monday in October, as it should be. Our Native Americans were most hospitable until their new neighbors gave them an eviction notice.
However, I’d like to propose that we show a modicum of respect for Ponce de Leon and name a national holiday for him. One way we could celebrate Ponce de Leon Day is for everybody over the age of eighty to drink Fountain of Youth Root Beer free, while those youngsters who have been drinking from the Fountain of Youth can heap encouragement upon their elders. We really can’t do enough to honor the memory of the man who discovered and passed on to us, the gift of eternal youth. And too, Ponce gave us an excuse for our occasional immaturity, “I must have been drinking from the Fountain of Youth.”