PINE NUTS – My Big Fat Bachelor Party
September 8, 2024 | McAvoy Lane
Bachelor parties are becoming more dignified these days. At least that’s my take on the two bachelor parties I have hosted in An Evening with Mark Twain. It seems a literary night out for literary fellows can beat a night out in Mound House, and may be a leetle less expensive. The eight noble fellows who attended my Big Fat Bachelor Party last night were perfect gentlemen and likeable literary lads, as opposed to Attila and the Huns I used to hang out with on the Island of Maui some years ago. It made me proud to be an American, though in full disclosure, I did miss that lady popping out of that cake…
A couple summers ago I got a call from a young man who told me, “I asked my brother whom he might like to have a conversation with, dead or alive, and he told me, Mark Twain. There are too many of us for your venue, but we’d like to send a limousine for you, and fulfill my brother’s wish at his South Shore bachelor party.”
What could I say to that? So I rode in comfort to South Shore, where they hid me in a cellar while they loosened up brother with some whiskey before asking, “So Brother, I once asked you whom you might like to have a conversation with dead or alive…do you remember your answer?”
Just here I crossed my fingers and closed my eyes in hoping he would not say Oscar Wilde, and sure enough he said, Mark Twain, whereupon I made my way slowly, one noisy step at a time, up the wooden stairs into a kitchen that was in silent anticipation, then suddenly burst forth in full-throated laughter and joy. I’ve never had such a warm reception as Mark Twain, as “Brother” shook my hand like a water pump, and hugged the air right out of my white suit. The other brother handed me a glass of whiskey and I proceeded to propose a toast to the groom, and provide him with some valuable advice toward achieving a happy and lasting marriage.
We then adjourned to the large deck outside where I was able to hold forth and fill the assembled faithful with as much wisdom and humor as they could stand. Once they were full to bursting with sagacity, they invited me to join them on a sojourn to Mound House, at which point I glanced at my pocket watch and realized it was already passed my bedtime, so I humbly thanked them for their gracious hospitality, and bid them a hearty goodnight.
On the quiet ride home, I had time to absorb the joy that filled my heart after fulfilling a young man’s wish on the night before he was to start a new life alongside his bride as they vowed to, “be by your side through sickness and in health, poverty and in wealth, forever and always.”
Wow…