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PINE NUTS – Words That Have Started Wars

September 20, 2024 | McAvoy Lane

Being the curious sort, I went in search of words that might have started wars over the centuries, and was startled to discover how inoffensive some of them actually were…

The very first war was more of a domestic dispute between Adam & Eve that started with Eve’s surprising disclosure, “Wow, what a hairy back!” 

To wit, Adam responded, “Yeah? Well, you spell CAT with a K!” That exchange escalated until a snake arrived to distract their attentions and put an end to their dispute…

History’s first recorded real war, where people actually died, took place 2,700 year before Christ, between the Sumarians and the Elamites. That war started with a simple shout on April First, “Hey! Nude Volleyball! HA-HA! Made you look!”

The weapons used during that first recorded war were of such inferior quality that most had to rely on headbutting to exact any damage. Grabbing an opponent by the beard and slapping him silly was also a popular salutation. One Sumarian was known to be in possession of such a deadly headlock that many Elamites elected to climb a tree and jump to their deaths, rather than let Egor get a hold of them in a headlock…

The Battle of Megiddo was next, fought a week later, when Egyptian forces under the command of Pharaoh Thutmose III attacked a rebellious coalition of Canaanite vassal states led by the king of Kadesh. As sketchy records indicate, no one died in this conflict, as it was fought entirely with ripe melons that were rotting on the vine. One of Thutmose’s boys spent an entire week carving a petroglyph depicting the King of Kadesh soaked, and dripping cantaloupe juice from every aperture. People came from as far away as Siberia to cast their eyes upon it, and laugh, and make sketches of it to show back home.

The shortest war in recorded history is said to be the Anglo-Zanzibar War, when Khālid is said to have shouted to an officer of the British Royal Navy, “Your mother wears combat boots!” Mr. Khalid was set upon by the entire Royal Navy and was keelhauled seven minutes later.

For those too young to know what keelhauling is, well, they tied Khalid’s hands and feet,

then dragged him from one side of a Royal Navy vessel to the other, not on top of the vessel, but underneath it, causing Khalid to consume barrels of water and expire after pleading, “Can I have just one little cookie?!”

Well, I could go on, because there were 7,463 wars in that millennium alone, and as the efficiency of weaponry improved, casualties in each ensuing war escalated to the mortifying position we find ourselves in today, where a World War III. would leave only cockroaches and a possible return of Beach Blanket Babylon left on the face of the planet Earth.

People tell me I’m a good historian where facts are not essential, and that’s all I have for today, thanks for listening…

Audio: https://open.spotify.com/show/7Fhv4PrH1UuwlhbnTT23zO

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