PINE NUTS – The Dandy Frightening the Squatter

The first piece of satire Sam Clemens published outside his brother’s paper, was also his first salvo in a lifelong crusade against frauds and humbugs. “The Dandy Frightening the Squatter” was published in the Boston Carpet Bag in 1852 when Sam was sixteen-years-old. As a lifelong humorist and social critic, he continues to speak to us today with an immediacy that transcends the ages. So let us take a moment here in 2025, and take a listen to this sixteen-year-old prophet…

A tall, brawny woodsman stood leaning against a tree which stood upon the bank of the river, gazing at some approaching object, which our readers would easily have discovered to be a steamboat. About half an hour elapsed, and the boat was moored, and the hands busily engaged in taking on wood.

Now among the many passengers on this boat, was a spruce young dandy, with a killer moustache, who seemed bent on making an impression upon the hearts of the young ladies on board, and to do this, he thought he must perform some heroic deed. Observing our squatter friend, he imagined this to be a fine opportunity to bring himself into notice; so, stepping into the cabin, he said:

“Ladies, if you wish to enjoy a good laugh, step out on the guards. I intend to frighten that gentleman into fits who stands on the bank.”

The ladies complied with the request, and our dandy drew from his bosom a formidable looking bowie-knife, and thrust it into his belt; then, taking a large horse-pistol in each hand, he seemed satisfied that all was right. Thus equipped, he strode on shore, with an air which seemed to say, “The hopes of a nation depend on me.” 

Marching up to the woodsman, he exclaimed: “You are the very man I’ve been looking for these three weeks! Say your prayers! You’ll make a capital barn door, and I shall drill the key- hole myself!”

The squatter calmly surveyed him a moment, and then, drawing back a step, he planted his huge fist directly between the eyes of his astonished antagonist, who, in a moment, was floundering in the turbid waters of the Mississippi.

Every passenger on the boat had by this time collected on the guards, and the shout that now went up from the crowd speedily restored the crest-fallen hero to his senses, and, as he was sneaking off towards the boat, he was thus accosted by his conqueror: “I say, yeou, next time yeou come around drillin’ key-holes, don’t forget to look up yer old acquaintances!”

Yes, that sixteen-year-old Samuel Clemens is shouting across the ages, trying his level best to remind us, that integrity, decency, respect and character still do matter, and now it is our turn to stand up against frauds and humbugs, and act, not violently, but act collectively…

Audio: https://open.spotify.com/show/7Fhv4PrH1UuwlhbnTT23zO