I remember coming home from a year in Vietnam,

stepping into the salty fog of San Francisco,

and jumping into a cab for my father’s office.

Arriving in my starched Marine Corps khakis,

I asked the receptionist if I could see Dr. Layne.

“Dr. Layne is at the Oakland office today, but you can see Dr. Oakley.”

“Is there a chance we could call Dr. Layne?

I’d like to thank him for a kindness he did me.”

“Well, sure, let’s try…”

I drummed on the counter in anticipation while she dialed.

“Yes, this is Leslie calling from the San Francisco office.

We have a young Marine here who would like to speak to Dr. Layne.

Apparently, he wants to thank him for something. 

He’s in? Oh, good. Sir, Dr. Layne is on the line.”

She handed me the phone.

“Corporal Night Train Layne here, Dad,

reporting home from Vietnam.

Can we meet for lunch?”

Leslie’s face softened in a look of delight.

She had known me as a child,

and a tear ran down her cheek.

I can see that tear even today,

fifty-eight tears now,

for those who could not make it home…

Audio: https://open.spotify.com/show/7Fhv4PrH1UuwlhbnTT23zO

The first person to swim across Lake Tahoe was a woman, naturally, Myrtle Huddleston. Yes, Myrtle accomplished this feat in 1931, the same year we legalized gambling in Nevada, and there were more than a few bets placed on Myrtle to not make it…

 But Myrtle did make it. She swam from Glenbrook to Tahoe City, twelve miles, without a wetsuit. It took her 23 hours. And what was amazing about her marathon crossing was that during the night she got separated from her escort boat. So there she was, in the middle of Lake Tahoe, in the middle of the night…alone. Not since Jonah found himself inside that big fish has anybody felt quite so alone, I can only imagine…

At dawn they spotted her, and on that escort boat was her son, her 12-year-old son, and when he saw his mother he shouted out to her, “Ma, you can make it!”

Well, those were the last words in the world Myrtle Huddleston wanted to hear right then, but she did it. She put her head down, swam on, and she made it. They carried her up to the Tahoe Tavern on a gurney. Myrtle lost 12 pounds in the crossing. So if ever you want to lose twelve pounds in one day, there it is, The Myrtle Huddleston Weight Loss Plan, guaranteed to work every time. But try not to get lost in the night, it’s such a worry to everybody…

Personally, I have great admiration for Myrtle’s accomplishment, for I swam two miles in a leaky wetsuit held together with Duct Tape before I was ordered out of Lake Tahoe by a lifeguard during The World’s Toughest Triathlon.

Just before I was instructed to, “Follow me!” I could see my grandmother’s face on the bottom of the lake, and she had been gone from this earthly realm for ten years. Next, I remember shaking like a Trembling Aspen in front of a humongous heater inside a First Aid Tent, trying to thaw out. 

When I asked, “Can I go now?” I was told by a medical practitioner, “You were white when you came in here, you’re purple now, we’ll let you go when you’re red.”

For a year after that embarrassing falling-out, I was greeted in various Tahoe taverns with this question, “Does anybody know the difference between McAvoy and the Titanic?” 

“Yeah, the Titanic had a band!”

More recently, this summer, August of 2025, a hearty 55-year-old man, Alex Kostich, became the fastest person to swim the width of Tahoe when he swam from Homewood, California to Glenbrook, Nevada in four hours, 28 minutes and 55 seconds. Should I happen to run into Alex here at the North Shore of Lake Tahoe, I shall buy him an adult beverage of his choice and carry him around Incline Center twice on my shoulders. Then the two of us can hoist one on high to the greatest long-distance swimmer of all time, Myrtle Huddleston… 

Audio: https://open.spotify.com/show/7Fhv4PrH1UuwlhbnTT23zO

To make yourself officially amazing you really need to get yourself into the Guinness Book of World Records, and this is not an easy task. Take Tom Dalton of the UK, who crawled 100 meters on his hands and knees to set the current Guinness World Record of 39.7 seconds for fastest crawling male. You do not want to see the video of his wife. My guess is most record holders do not want to have their videos posted online.

But picture this: The heaviest weight lifted by a beard is 140 lbs. This Herculean record was achieved by Antanas Kontrimas from Lithuania on June 26, 2013, on the set of “Rekorlar Dunyasi” in Istanbul, Turkey. Antanas, using only his beard, lifted the show’s host, Gupse Özay, right up off the ground. Again, you do not want to see the video…

And forget the shotput. You can set your shotput on a shelf and close the curtain around it, because Johan Espenkrona threw a washing machine 14 ft 7 in – about as long as a giraffe they said. Johan has never thrown an actual giraffe, but I’ll bet my Golden Gloves that he might like to try if presented with a giraffe.

Okay, for endurance let’s put aside triathlons and take a look at Łukasz Szpunar from Poland, who made history by becoming the first person to stand in a box of ice for over four hours. When Łukasz climbed out of that icebox he was asked how he felt, but nobody could understand him because his teeth were chattering so darn hard. They say to this day Łukasz cannot look at a glass of ice water without his teeth starting to chatter… 

Finally, there is The Pride of Maryland, Kimberly “Kimycola” Winter, who belted out a belch measured at 107 decibels, loud enough they said, to wake General Grant in his New York tomb. Kimycola told Guinness World Record officials she slurped coffee and beer with her breakfast on the morning of the attempt to ensure maximum volume for her humongous blast, which was just short of the 112.7-decibel male version of the record. Again, you do not want to see the video…

Just looking at some of the records in the Guinness Book has caused me to wonder how I might become officially amazing by getting my name in that book somewheres, and I think I’ve hit on it. This Pine Nuts column, number 1,671, just happens to be the longest running column in the world to be published without a blemish of an untruth in it anywhere…

Ask any AI, and you can see for yourself that Pine Nuts stands alone for veracity and accuracy over time. I shall make the Guinness submission myself, and alert you when we appear in next year’s Guinness Book of World Records alongside Łukasz Szpunar and those other 4,000 officially amazing people. As they say in Hawaii, “Hope me luck.”

Audio: https://open.spotify.com/show/7Fhv4PrH1UuwlhbnTT23zO

Long a country of checks and balances, we suddenly find our two-party system in checkmate and off-balance. Unity of purpose and policy is no longer a reliable proposition. So just as the Preamble to the United States Constitution calls for a More Perfect Union, these turbulent times call for the birth of a third political party. 

Having recently converted my voter registration to, “No Political Party” I’m in a Catbird Seat to launch our third political party, “DO NO HARM 2026.” 

Not yet registered with the Federal Election Commission, I shall introduce our party here in this fine family journal, and as I owe $300 in Mark Twain library late fees, I shall create a Super PAC to fund this nascent party. Operational steps will be determined by real people, with no assistance from Artificial Intelligence. 

I’ve learned a couple things from flipping back and forth between FOX and MSNBC of late. Judging from the frequency of sponsors, MSNBC viewers must have dryer eyes, while FOX viewers must have more toenail issues, and they both wish the other had them and they didn’t. As one of Mark Twain’s characters tells us, “Tell me whar a man gits his corn pone, en I’ll tell you what his ‘pinions is.” 

In building a platform of fiscal responsibility & social commitment to all Americans, I herein hand the reins of DO NO HARM over to a person whose sympathies are wide and warm, and whose heart is large and knows no guile, non-other than The Honorable, (please fill in the blank here with your choice and return to me as quickly as possible.)                        

So long as political survival dominates the primary political instinct, human harm will persist. Greed for power and wealth has reached an all-time American high. Yet, driven hard enough, human capacity for empathy can conquer egocentric drive for power. It’s time to promote those who will say “Enough Already” to buccaneer capitalism, and “Enough” to those born hoggish after money. The true measure of a person is not net worth, but net humanity.

In this moment, when several nations are equipped with weapons capable of unleashing destruction upon the whole of mankind, do we hear enough calls to draw down, might we not hear more shouts for détente? We really do need to eradicate weapons of warfare before they eradicate us…

When Democrats and Republicans fight, DO NO HARM will step in, seek middle ground, and start the healing process. Finally with good deeds outnumbering crimes by 1000/1 on a daily basis, news outlets will be encouraged to include a few more good news stories along with all the bad news stories, and thus provide some refreshment toward our nation’s mental health. And we are going to do all of this in the spirit of The Old Rail Splitter, “…with malice toward none; with charity for all.”

So onward and upward with DO NO HARM 2026, coming to a polling place near us soon…

Audio: https://open.spotify.com/show/7Fhv4PrH1UuwlhbnTT23zO

President Teddy Roosevelt called Chautauqua, “The most American thing in America.” Then along came Vaudeville and Chautauqua faded away, but guess what, it’s back, and it’s the wave of the future! 

Just this year, The Legend of the Valley, Kim Harris, hosted The First Annual Summer Chautauqua Showcase at Dangberg Ranch, featuring Youth Chautauquans from Douglas County Historical Society, Al Capone, Calamity Jane and Lucille Ball. And what a smart weekend it was. Home Ranch was filled with instruction and delight. I’m still in a good humor from having had a front row seat…

Chautauqua is destined to diminish adverse effects of the modern-day smart phone. People are craving eye contact, subtle signals of body language, and the sound of a live human voice.

Then there is the historical value of Chautauqua, the benefit of bringing historical characters to life, and sharing those historical lives, adventures and accomplishments with a live audience.

Typically, an 45-minute presentation of the character is followed by a lively Q&A session with the historical character, followed by a Q&A session with the Chautauquan. At the end of an hour an appreciative live audience goes away smarter and satisfactorily entertained.

Some Chautauquans are actors, others are educators in a costume, but all Chautauquans are entertainers. History has never been so much fun.

I encourage all retired folks, and those who might be about to retire, to find a person in history that you admire, study that person’s life, and bring that person to life in various classrooms, tents and lecture halls. You won’t regret it. It will give you a second life, and one life is not enough.

An extra added attraction of Chautauqua is hanging out with other Chautauquans when you are off duty. I’ve had the pleasure of dining with Julia Child, Will Rogers and Julia Bulette to name a few…

So I would ask you to start thinking about who you might like to be. There are so many wonderful characters we know nothing about that deserve to be brought to the forefront and appreciated. It might even be an uncle or an aunt of yours who is looking down on us as we commune.

Enveloping yourself in another century can be comforting and satisfying. You will be pleasantly surprised how many modern little annoyances don’t bother you anymore because you have removed yourself from the reach of their influence…

History is so much more interesting when presented firsthand by the character who lived that history and can put muscle and blood into the telling of the story. You might be thinking, “I could never do that,” but you could, if you found it to be a most interesting challenge, which is exactly what will happen. 

So I invite you to give it some thought. You just might get swept away into another person’s life, another person’s time, that will thrill and entertain you to no end…

I finally did get to take Jane out to dinner, where we talked about the Bruins and the weather. While we were waiting for dessert to be delivered, I asked her to marry me, and captured her so off-guard, she said yes. Jane had never been west of New York, so a move to Maui would be an anomaly, not to mention her mother and sisters were lining up to shoot me.

So off we flew to the Valley Island, where upon landing at Kahului Airport Jane took a look around, and told me she wanted to go home. I asked her to give Maui a few days, and took her to the well named Aloha Restaurant for dinner…

As good fortune would have it, Rick & Sol Hoopii were sitting a few tables over, and they came over to meet Jane…

“Macky Boy, dees your Bride?”

“Yes, Rick, Sol, please meet Jane Layne, formerly of Cape Cod.”

“May we sing The Hawaiian Wedding Song to Miss Jane?”

“Please…”

Well, I don’t know if you’ve ever had the pleasure of hearing the Hoopii Brothers sing together, but their acapella harmony surpasses anything that has ever fallen upon mine ear, and I couldn’t help but notice a tear or two welling up in Jane’s beautiful brown eyes…

That evening we went body surfing at midnight under a full moon, and a couple porpoises joined us as playmates and instructors. It was supernatural, enchanting, and Jane did not mention Cape Cod that night…

The next thing I knew, she had joined a polo team and was playing hockey while  horseback. She asked me to join her book club, which I did, but when she asked me to join her hiking club and join them on a hike from the summit of Haleakala, sixteen miles down Kaupo Gap on sliding sands, I “drawed out” as they say in Nevada…

While I was doing my level best to keep up with her, she opened a dress shop and had me selling mumus on my days off from the radio station, while she surfed and hunted Ahi with a Hawaiian sling so we could enjoy a sumptuous Maui dinner when I got off work…

In Jane’s second month on Maui she bought a Jeep and joined an “Off Road Jeep Club,” that I would meet with a cooler of Primo and a platter of Manini at the end of the day. Then she took to coaching Youth Soccer, and I became assistant coach of the Wailuku Swarm. We barnstormed other Islands with those talented Maui kids, and won most of our matches.

But when she started training for the Iron Man in Kona, I wore myself out driving the sag-wagon while she swam, biked and ran all over creation. It was while driving that sag-wagon that I realized Jane had come to love Maui as much as I did, maybe more. Unwaveringly, she continues to live her idyllic Maui life as we speak… 

Audio: https://open.spotify.com/show/7Fhv4PrH1UuwlhbnTT23zO

Last week’s column reminded me of a love affair out there on Old Cape Cod…

To punish me I guess, our program director at WOCB sent me to a resort to host a remote broadcast of a backgammon tournament on a Sunday afternoon. My first reaction, which I kept to myself, was, “You’re condemning me to death by a thousand papercuts. I don’t even know how to spell backgammon!”

Well, I went, and that was this boy’s lucky day, for mine eyes fell upon her. She wore a fuzzy yellow sweater that highlighted the ringlets of dark curls that adorned her shoulders. I was bewitched, bewildered and speechless. But girding my courage, I approached her with microphone in hand, and asked if I could interview her. 

She waved both hands to shoo me away, then placed an index finger to her lips to signal she was speech impaired, which she was not…  

I fell irretrievably in love with her, set down my microphone, and asked if I could buy her an iced tea. She smiled and said yes. I then worked up my courage to ask her for a date on Monday evening for dinner and a show, to wit she told me she already had a date to attend the Bruins game. I was crushed, but she also told me she worked at a dress shop in Hyannis, so at least I knew where I might find her. Jane was her name.

That Monday evening I went to a new friend’s house for Monday Night Football and was put in charge of burgers on the grill outside. I shared with my new friends that the love of my new life, Jane, was at the Bruins game and my life was ruined.  Then, while I was outside tending the grill, I heard, “McAvoy, come in here! We switched over to the Bruins game during halftime, and a beautiful lady stood up in the stands with a sign that said, “I Love You, McAvoy!”

“Heaven take me now!” I howled, then returned to my grill with a smile and a spring in my step.

The next day I wandered downtown to look for her dress shop, found it, and there she was, looking gorgeous.

“That was really something special that you did last night.” I stammered.

“And what was that?” she sang along innocently.

“You know, the sign…”

“The sign?”

Abruptly, I realized I had been hoodwinked, and I resolved to avenge those who sent me on this fool’s errand… 

But what was gratifying and memorable about that hoodwinking is what she did next. Once she realized that I had been bamboozled by my friends in such a cruel manner, she purloined from my program director, my Boston Marathon training route, went out there one morning, and planted a hand painted sign alongside my route that read, “I love you McAvoy!”  Well, when I came upon that sign my heart stopped beating and leaped into my throat… 

To be continued…

Audio: https://open.spotify.com/show/7Fhv4PrH1UuwlhbnTT23zO